by Chuck Ness
As I was reading Proverbs this morning, I was reminded of what I wrote in my journal many years ago.
"A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire;
He rages against all wise judgment."
Proverb 18:1
I had a dream last night about an old friend I haven't see in years. His name is Larry, and he was a preacher of his own church in Columbus Georgia. The last time I saw him was a time in my life when all I wanted was to be away from people. If anyone got too close I would disappear.
It was after my 2nd marriage fell apart. Our son had recently died, and it led to problems unforeseen. My wife was never the same, and things just deteriorated in our marriage. We separated, and I ended wondering around the country. I would stay in a place long enough to work a few Months and then leave town without notifying anyone. Sometimes I would leave without even collecting my last paycheck. I figured if I wasn't going to give a notice why collect the check.
For a few years I kept getting an urge in my heart to just go. It was about ten years or so before I truly accepted Christ in my heart. OH I knew Him, but didn't have a relationship with him. Today I know my uncomfortable feeling came from trying to run from Him. I would begin feeling uneasy and just pack up my backpack, chose a destination, and start hitchhiking from place to place. Working for awhile and then start hitchhiking again.
The only thing I ever had that I cared about in those days, was the backpack that had some cassette tapes of music for my Walkman, an old poncho for rain or to make a lean-to with. A mess kit, a compact fishing pole with some hooks, a bar of soap, a toothbrush and toothpaste, a few changes of socks and underwear, some jeans, a few shirts, and one set of nice pants and a dress shirt I would wear when I needed to apply for job when my money ran low. I hate begging. (Yes the backpack pictured, is the one I carried around America with me)
If I needed money I would just get a job as an auto mechanic, a carpenter, a cook or even a dishwasher. Jobs were easy for me to get in those days. I was young, in great shape, and not picky.
I offer this because of the advice my friend gave me when he was trying to reach my heart. I was lost, and he wanted to save me. Larry was a Preacher of his own small church whom I met in the mid "70"s while I was still in the service, stationed at Ft Benning Ga. So here it was almost 10 years after I first met Larry, and I was hitchhiking from Texas to Columbus Ga. When I arrived, he was the first person I looked up, and called.
To this day I am convinced that God led me to Columbus, because HE was still trying to reach me. When I look back, I can recall many instances in my past when the timing of certain things happened that were of such importance, I now know God was intervening so I would wake up to His calling. Yet time and time again I would momentarily respond, just to fall back into my old ways. This was one of those times. Larry, and his wife Mary, invited me to stay with them. He knew I was broken and needed a good friend. Being a good man of God, Larry was truly interested in bringing me to Christ.
I stayed with them for a few Months, and I even publicly gave my life to Christ. I truly thought I had been saved, because I began to change. Yet later I realized I hadn't, because I never had a true relationship with Him. No one walks away from Christ, you are either His or just a pretender who goes through the motions. Many new followers believe they are saved, yet our Lord Jesus reads the hearts, and even His anointed can see the truth. Larry was a true anointed Saint, and he knew that I was still holding out.
Well one day we were at a restaurant, I had recently gotten a job at, and he again attempted to reach me. Larry told me that I reminded him of the character in the Eagles song, "Desperado". He told me that the original definition of a desperado was not what Americans believed it is. Instead, the true definition was derived from the Latin word, "disperare". Which means to despair or to lose hope.
The character in the Eagles song is a loner. He was living day to day like I was. Surviving day to day with no love in his heart. Like the character in the song, I too had hardened my heart. I refused to come in from the cold, regardless of how uncomfortable I was from living the way I was. He said that without love I would one day die from lack of feelings if I didn't wake up.
He went on to explain that it's not good for a man to have no one. To walk away from everyone, regardless of how some people may have treated me, was not the way to heal from the hurt I was feeling. All I was doing was making my heart harder by the day. He told me, that the world is full of men who had hardened their hearts just to become lonely bandits or renegades. The final destination of such a person, he said was not good. Just an eternity separated from the ONE who truly loves us. GOD.
We had a good long talk that day, and I really felt like he hit a raw nerve. He also told me to read Proverbs 18:1, and heed the advice in it. Later I read the Proverb, and I can see why he told me to read it, because I was isolating myself from people. Something that I still seem to do from time to time. When I do, I know I need to go to Christ.
"A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire;
He rages against all wise judgment."
Proverb 18:1
Well, after that long talk, I started reading the Bible more, and truly thought I was headed for greener pastures in my walk with Jesus. Yet, one day something happened, and I again grew angry. OH, the reason matters not, since all anger truly comes from our own insecurities and our inability to give everything to Christ. That conversion was just whitewash on the outside of my decaying soul. So I eventually packed up my backpack and headed to the nearest freeway entrance to leave for another destination. I remember reasoning to myself that I wasn't the type who Jesus wanted, so I just accepted reality, and did what I always did, I ran away again.
Truth is I never allowed Jesus into that certain room in my heart where I kept things locked away. Thus I refused to let the love of Christ sink into my heart as much as I thought I had. Or maybe he just got too close to the truth and I was afraid of the unknown. It was so much easier to be alone, than to let others become part of me. For many years in my life that was the true, I refused to let anyone in to that part of me that was angry over so many things.
I always believed in God, and that Jesus is the only way to gain salvation. However, it took more trials, more disappointments, and more tragedies in my life before I finally gave Him the key to that one room in my heart that held all the anger I had inside. My friends advice did eventually sink in, and once I truly understood how my own inability to love others, or to allow others to love me was stopping me from allowing Christ into my heart. That's when I finally began to have a soul changing relationship with the lover of my soul.
Isn’t it amazing how we can listen to the lyrics of songs and paste them on those we know. It’s as if the person who wrote the song knows us and what makes us tick. Personally I think we can listen to most songs and, depending upon how we look at them or what part of the song rings more special in our ears, we will see our friends and relatives in them. I guess that is why Brother Larry saw me in that song. To him, I was the true definition of the Latin word that desperado came from.
Below are the Lyrics to the song, and a video of the Eagles performing it.
The Eagles
""""Desperado, why don't you come to your senses? You been out ridin' fences for so long now Oh, you're a hard one I know that you got your reasons These things that are pleasin' you Can hurt you somehow
Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy She'll beat you if she's able You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet
Now it seems to me, some fine things Have been laid upon your table But you only want the ones that you can't get
Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin' Your prison is walking through this world all alone
Don't your feet get cold in the winter time? The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine It's hard to tell the night time from the day You're losin' all your highs and lows Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses? Come down from your fences, open the gate It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you You better let somebody love you (let somebody love you) You better let somebody love you before it's too late""""
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